From Script To Screen - OGR

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  1. tutorphil9:10 pm, January 23, 2017

    23/01/2017

    Hi Rhia,

    Just to begin with... you've got typos and some grammatical errors in your presentation here: if this is something you struggle with, work in Word or something with a spell-check/grammar check first, as it doesn't look professional or very 'I'm an undergraduate' - for example, in the logline, you've written 'so that *their* don't feel any more grief'. Can you always proof-read before you publish your documents and posts? Little details like this might encourage someone to think you're not half as clever as you are!

    So, we've had a bit of back and forth over this story, and I think you're pretty much there. One area you need to look at in terms of visual storytelling is how you can show the situation between the two characters without dialogue. This feels like an 'unspoken' story, so everything achieved with looks and glances and expression. It does seem 'too much' that this lonely girl would just pour the nice guy's soup on the floor! She's tough and protected, not angry or hateful. This doesn't ring true.

    You need to think about the back and forth between the two locations in order to build the connection between the two characters. You need to ensure you establish the spatial relationships between the lighthouse and the cottage, for example - the man needs to be able to see the silhouette of her at the top of the lighthouse from his kitchen window; she needs to be able to see him in the kitchen of his cottage from her vantage point. Likewise, I think you need to give more time to building their relationship before the climatic storm. It seems to me that he would knock for her with the soup a few times over the course of a few months (you could show the passing of the seasons visually and with the ingredients in his kitchen from which he's making the soup) - each time, she doesn't answer the door to him. We see her up in the tower, looking down, keeping out of view. We see him, looking up. Each time he goes away etc. You could create this sequence quickly, like a montage of passing seasons and different soups etc. On the climatic night, she's upstairs, she hears the familiar knocking, and this time she goes downstairs, opens the door - but he's gone - she's disappointed! - but on the doorstep, a flask of soup - she smiles, then 'crash' - she sees the cottage struck by lightening - and so on. For me, the success of this story emotionally rests on your ability to create this tension between the two characters - so close, and yet so far... I'd like to see you really think about your ACT 1 (the father's death and the daughter's loneliness) and ACT 2 (the soup maker and the lighthouse keeper), and think about how you can tell us about them visually - not through dialogue, but through showing.

    In terms of art direction and tone, I keep seeing this animation when I think about lonely lighthouse keeper...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukY4M9A23Cs

    Also, as you start to think about the tone and the art direction, maybe think about giving you story a strong regional setting - something to get your teeth into - so Cornwall...

    http://keyassets.timeincuk.net/inspirewp/live/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2014/03/lighthouse1.jpg

    or New England, America:

    http://newenglandboating.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/PORTLAND-HEAD.jpg

    You're telling a sweet, sad, sensitive story about learning to trust, so think about lots of close-ups on faces (which invites us into your character's thoughts) and lots of ways in which you can show the 'emotional distance' of your characters through the spatial relations of your buildings etc...

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    1. Rhia Crouch - BA (Hons) Computer Animation Arts, UCA Rochester11:37 am, January 24, 2017

      Thanks for the feed back but in terms of the spelling and grammar I was using Word along with Read & Write to help me make sure it made sense, so I can't understand how I missed this

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