Premise: Feedback Ideas

After presenting my ideas for my animation I was given the idea of making the characters of the Sun and Moon look like paper lanterns. This idea would fit in with giving the story a sense of history and culture along with helping me to think about the overall designs of the characters.

Comments

  1. Hey Rhia - just dropping by to reassure you you're not being ignored and that your poem is on my radar...

    I've looked at the first verse in an attempt to get a more 'bedtime story/comforting' rhythm to it - and also to 'shrink' your poem - this is my first attempt at establishing a pattern -

    If, like me, you’ve ever wondered (9 syllables)
    how the stars high above came to glisten (10 syllables)
    And who it might be who first put them there (10 syllables)
    to sparkle like diamonds, then listen. (9 syllables)

    The thing I really like about your poem is the tone - that sense that we're being spoken to by a narrator - that friendliness - I've sought to keep it in this trial verse - let me know what you think of the rhythm and I'll have a bash at getting your story into a more manageable length :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. me again, okay so...


    If, like me, you’ve ever wondered (9)
    how the stars high above came to glisten (10)
    And who it might be who first put them there (10)
    to sparkle like diamonds, then listen. (9)

    My story begins with two rulers (9)
    You know them best as the Sun and the Moon (10)
    And just look at their robes incandescent! (10)
    But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon. (9)

    Could you do me a favour and just send me the actual 'plot' of your story - so not the verse - the actual action that has to happen - so in this sort of way...

    The Sun is X and wants Y
    The Moon is A and wants B
    They meet. They bicker etc.

    I just want to be sure of the thru-line of your plot so I can look at your verses and see what 'isn't' important to the story - just so I know where your head is on it - ta!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Okay - so this is where I am... I think we need to dislike the Sun a bit more and also we need to make a bigger do about his crown (as this is the source of the stars). I've also suggested some more specific action here involving the Sun interacting with actual stuff, because some specific action will help you when it comes to storyboarding etc. Let me know what you think and if you're happy for me to continue - the Moon is up next... drop me an email :)

    If, like me, you’ve ever wondered
    how the stars high above came to glisten
    And who it might be who first put them there
    to sparkle like diamonds, then listen.

    My story begins with two rulers.
    You know them best as the Sun and the Moon
    And just look at their robes incandescent!
    But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon.

    For the Sun, you see, was a braggard
    Into the ears of the corn he would boast
    Of his gifts of his warmth and his light to them
    And how the harvest should worship him most.

    And to the people, he said, ‘I am mighty!
    Shield your eyes from the blaze of my crown!
    Now bow down to your sovereign golden
    Or with my rays I shall not light your town!”

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey Rhia - okay -this is what I've got for you following your structure - I've actually lost a verse already in terms of keeping it tighter... let me know what you think :)


    If, like me, you’ve ever wondered
    how the stars high above came to glisten
    And who might it be who put them there
    to sparkle like diamonds, then listen.

    My story begins with two rulers.
    (You know them as the Sun and the Moon)
    Just look at their robes incandescent!
    But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon.

    For the Sun, you see, was a braggard
    Into the ears of the corn he would boast
    Of his gifts of light and of warmth to them
    And how farmers should worship him most.

    The moon, looking on, kept her silence.
    She was a ruler much cooler and wise.
    Hushed and serene in silver and pearls
    She likewise shone light from the skies.

    Of the Moon’s gifts the Sun was dismissive
    Of her powers the Sun snapped, ‘Oh please!’
    You come out in the night when no one’s awake
    and you fuss with the tides of the seas!”

    The Queen said, ‘I comfort the sleepless.’
    ‘I am a beacon for travellers lost.
    ‘I am the light bringing lovers together
    ‘I’m the glimmer left after Jack Frost.’

    Of course the King wasn’t listening.
    He was too busy admiring his crown.
    But his thousand or more years of gloating
    Had at last worn the Queen’s patience down.

    ‘The night-sky I’ll make to outshine you!’
    blazed the Queen who’d endured all she could.
    ‘My realm will overshadow your kingdom!
    I’ll put an end to your boasting for good!’

    Guffawing, the Sun cried, ‘Just try it!’
    Then the crown from his head the Moon took
    Into a million pieces she smashed it
    As all around them the firmament shook.

    Glittering gold and shimmering
    The crown’s jewels spanned the sky as they rolled.
    The Sun gaped in awe and in shock at the sight
    As he watched constellations unfold.

    “Behold!” the Moon cried, triumphant.
    ‘Now your conceit need be suffered no more.’
    Silent for once, the King could only agree
    He’d never seen such beauty before.

    So my tale ends just where it started
    Perhaps you’re wondering can it be true?
    For your answer don’t look to my story
    Look up to the night sky above you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's great!
      I had imagined it that the Sun says something that pushes the Moon over the edge that makes her grap the crown and smash it but apart from that it hits the nail on the head.

      Delete

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