Premise: Feedback Ideas
Minor: Pre-viz and notes
This is the per-viz for my Minor project that I have been working on over the summer. I set about doing this to get a better idea of now some of the shots would play out and to test out now some of the pops be shown. I am happy with some of the shot, such as the way that the Sun and Moon are introduceed, close ups that I have used for both characters, the way that Moon swings round with the crown along with the way the image fades out on the Sun at the end. I'm not too happy with some of the shots that have the characters moving around but this might be because I was focused on the walk cycle and I might not need it in my finished animation. I also think that the shot of the sun and moon spining round might have been done abit better.
Hey Rhia - just dropping by to reassure you you're not being ignored and that your poem is on my radar...
ReplyDeleteI've looked at the first verse in an attempt to get a more 'bedtime story/comforting' rhythm to it - and also to 'shrink' your poem - this is my first attempt at establishing a pattern -
If, like me, you’ve ever wondered (9 syllables)
how the stars high above came to glisten (10 syllables)
And who it might be who first put them there (10 syllables)
to sparkle like diamonds, then listen. (9 syllables)
The thing I really like about your poem is the tone - that sense that we're being spoken to by a narrator - that friendliness - I've sought to keep it in this trial verse - let me know what you think of the rhythm and I'll have a bash at getting your story into a more manageable length :)
me again, okay so...
ReplyDeleteIf, like me, you’ve ever wondered (9)
how the stars high above came to glisten (10)
And who it might be who first put them there (10)
to sparkle like diamonds, then listen. (9)
My story begins with two rulers (9)
You know them best as the Sun and the Moon (10)
And just look at their robes incandescent! (10)
But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon. (9)
Could you do me a favour and just send me the actual 'plot' of your story - so not the verse - the actual action that has to happen - so in this sort of way...
The Sun is X and wants Y
The Moon is A and wants B
They meet. They bicker etc.
I just want to be sure of the thru-line of your plot so I can look at your verses and see what 'isn't' important to the story - just so I know where your head is on it - ta!
Okay - so this is where I am... I think we need to dislike the Sun a bit more and also we need to make a bigger do about his crown (as this is the source of the stars). I've also suggested some more specific action here involving the Sun interacting with actual stuff, because some specific action will help you when it comes to storyboarding etc. Let me know what you think and if you're happy for me to continue - the Moon is up next... drop me an email :)
ReplyDeleteIf, like me, you’ve ever wondered
how the stars high above came to glisten
And who it might be who first put them there
to sparkle like diamonds, then listen.
My story begins with two rulers.
You know them best as the Sun and the Moon
And just look at their robes incandescent!
But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon.
For the Sun, you see, was a braggard
Into the ears of the corn he would boast
Of his gifts of his warmth and his light to them
And how the harvest should worship him most.
And to the people, he said, ‘I am mighty!
Shield your eyes from the blaze of my crown!
Now bow down to your sovereign golden
Or with my rays I shall not light your town!”
Hey Rhia - okay -this is what I've got for you following your structure - I've actually lost a verse already in terms of keeping it tighter... let me know what you think :)
ReplyDeleteIf, like me, you’ve ever wondered
how the stars high above came to glisten
And who might it be who put them there
to sparkle like diamonds, then listen.
My story begins with two rulers.
(You know them as the Sun and the Moon)
Just look at their robes incandescent!
But – oh dear- they’ll be squabbling soon.
For the Sun, you see, was a braggard
Into the ears of the corn he would boast
Of his gifts of light and of warmth to them
And how farmers should worship him most.
The moon, looking on, kept her silence.
She was a ruler much cooler and wise.
Hushed and serene in silver and pearls
She likewise shone light from the skies.
Of the Moon’s gifts the Sun was dismissive
Of her powers the Sun snapped, ‘Oh please!’
You come out in the night when no one’s awake
and you fuss with the tides of the seas!”
The Queen said, ‘I comfort the sleepless.’
‘I am a beacon for travellers lost.
‘I am the light bringing lovers together
‘I’m the glimmer left after Jack Frost.’
Of course the King wasn’t listening.
He was too busy admiring his crown.
But his thousand or more years of gloating
Had at last worn the Queen’s patience down.
‘The night-sky I’ll make to outshine you!’
blazed the Queen who’d endured all she could.
‘My realm will overshadow your kingdom!
I’ll put an end to your boasting for good!’
Guffawing, the Sun cried, ‘Just try it!’
Then the crown from his head the Moon took
Into a million pieces she smashed it
As all around them the firmament shook.
Glittering gold and shimmering
The crown’s jewels spanned the sky as they rolled.
The Sun gaped in awe and in shock at the sight
As he watched constellations unfold.
“Behold!” the Moon cried, triumphant.
‘Now your conceit need be suffered no more.’
Silent for once, the King could only agree
He’d never seen such beauty before.
So my tale ends just where it started
Perhaps you’re wondering can it be true?
For your answer don’t look to my story
Look up to the night sky above you.
I think it's great!
DeleteI had imagined it that the Sun says something that pushes the Moon over the edge that makes her grap the crown and smash it but apart from that it hits the nail on the head.